I Resolve

TONIGHT the conversation around my kitchen table turned to New Year’s resolutions.
I don’t know why we bother. I know my vow to eat half a lettuce leaf and a pea every day until Keira Knightley is begging me to be her body double is doomed to failure and my friend knows the once a week visit to the gym will be once in a blue moon before the sweat has dried on her Nike vest.
We decided it would be better if we made resolutions we could definitely stick to. I have therefore vowed to watch more television, read more trashy novels, neglect the garden, drink more red wine, talk embarrassingly loudly in the pub after a couple of gins and utter at least two sarcastic comments a day to the Dearly Beloved.
We also thought up a few resolutions for other people:
I will always check I’m wearing knickers before I go out. (Britney Spears)
I will ditch the toxic substances. (Pete Doherty)
I will ditch the toxic substance. (Kate Moss about Pete Doherty)
We will go on a Butlin’s mini-break for our holidays. (The Blairs)
I will only drive a Ford Fiesta. (Richard Hammond)
I will get a proper job. (Paris Hilton)
I will budget carefully. (Heather Mills-McCartney)
We will call our next child Tracey. (Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow)
We will shun the limelight. (Jade Goody and her mum).
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