Big Brother is Watching You

I'M not a Luddite. Technology holds no fears for me. I am an expert. In fact, I have one of those musicy thingies - you know, find song on interweb, press "buy me" button, connect musicy thingy to computer, put song on it, stick buttons in ears and dance around house while listening to Beatles' White Album, feel a prat when dearly beloved comes home and finds you belting out Happiness Is A Warm Gun to the cat ….. An iPOD, yes that's it, an iPOD.
Admittedly, I thought Bluetooth was something you got from overdosing on blueberries but, on the whole, I try to go with the technology flow.
But what's all this CCTV business? I had a quick dash around the shops the other day and felt like a contestant on a city-wide Big Brother programme.
I want to be able to wander around without the terrible feeling that there's a man in a peaked cap somewhere with his feet up on a console pointing at a screen and saying, "Euuuhhh, look at 'er, she's scratching her ass!" to some friend he's charged a pound to come and watch.
Or worse. Trinny and Susannah looking me up and down and saying, "What was that woman thinking! Patchwork shopping bag with blue trousers and bomber jacket? Is she stuck in the 1970s?"

All that is bad enough but now they have talking CCTV cameras.

Can you imagine it?

"Would that woman please stop picking her nose?" The whole street stops and we all look at each other.

"The one in the blue trousers." That narrows it down a bit.

"The old bag with frizzy hair and a gormless look on her face." Why are they all looking at ME!

Or they might - I've broken out in a cold sweat now - employ mothers to man the cameras.

"Put that sweater down! I could feed a family of nine for a year on how much that costs.

"There's a button missing on your coat.

"Those ear-rings do not go with that necklace.

"Stilettos? To go shopping? Are you MAD!

"I don't believe it, you're chewing gum in public!

"I told you to throw away that scruffy cardigan.

"Are you growing your hair or have you just not bothered to have it cut?

"Have you washed behind your ears?"

I'll take Big Brother over Big Mother any day.


  1. She's not a girl that misses much,
    Do-do-do-do-do-do..........oh yeah.

    If I were you I'd scratch my arse and be done with it. If you do it brazenly and aggressively enough it's the watcher who feels humiliated. That's an old jungle trick we apes learn in our infancy.

  2. What a scream. I'm afraid to go shopping now in case I get an itchy bum!

  3. As I think I dress like you, this has got me seriously worried!

  4. I often wonder what's behind the mirrors in pub & shop toilets....

  5. You mean you don't wear a hoodie when you go to town?

  6. Another solution is never to go out shopping, and buy everything from catalogues.
    Works for me......

  7. Now you've got me worried! Thanks for stopping by.

  8. I think you'll find the real scandal will break when a crime occurs, and no cameras caught it. That's when the truth will come out -- Most of the cameras were fakes, and half the ones that were real weren't even plugged in, due to rising energy costs. Stores over here use this trick all the time. Wal-Mart has big giant dark-colored half-globes hanging all over the ceiling, but in many of them there is nothing. You think you're being watched, and that's the point.

    Then again, maybe all of Britain is just being turned in to a giant reality TV show. Yikes.

  9. No cameras in rural Devon - only those that are satellite high and checking that you haven't chopped your hedges too low or are burning plastic. ... and you have been memed - feel free to avoid at all costs if you so choose!

  10. There are 4.2 million CCTV cameras in Britain today, that is one camera for every 14 people. We have 20% of all the CCTV cameras in the world and are officially the world's most spied on nation. There is even a CCTV camera on the street just outside the house in Islington where George Orwell lived and wrote 1984. We will live to regret having allowed this situation to arise. People assume they stop crime being committed - they don't. People assume that they solve crime - not always. People assume that the people who man these cameras are always right-minded officials with our best interests at heart - oh really???
    You have touched a nerve, this is one of my pet rants!!

  11. Big Mother sounds scary. I would much prefer Joanna Lumley to coo 'please pick up that litter you just threw in the street, young man'... I am sure that would cut down on the litter bugs. Alternatively, we could just hire the cast of EastEnders to shout 'leave it aaaaht!' if there is a fight outside a pub. Maybe you should suggest that to Equity?

  12. you have been linked by the witchfynder for he believes you to be a razor sharp mind of the highest quality. And yea, verily it came to pass... etc.
    (Nice blog... it rocks)

  13. Like everything, I believe it will be quite novel to have a camera shout at you. After about a month no one will listen anymore. I'd imagine that the security operatives would get a sore throat quite quickly having to control numerous cameras!

    Lord Milky has nothing to hide. I wouldn't even mind having someone watch me scratch my arse. As blatant as possible, that's my motto.

  14. I have to agree with Lord Milky -- I'd make a big ol' production of scratching my arse. Huge, pantomime gestures, exaggerated motions...

    Maybe a song and some soft-shoe thrown in for good measure.