Have A Drink On Me

I WAS shocked to learn that the middle-classes are at risk from alcohol abuse. Although I was born most definitely working class, I suppose I have, through my work, become middle-class so I fear they are talking to me.

(Yes, sweetheart, another glass of shiraz would be lovely).

It’s a ridiculous notion. Drink too much? Me?

(Don’t throw away that Irish coffee, I haven’t licked out the glass yet!)

I’m not even too sure how many “units” the Government is recommending. I’m presuming a “unit” is a bottle of spirits so I’m well within my limits. Obviously I’m not counting liqueurs (too sweet to be really alcoholic) or sherry in the trifle or red wine in the casserole, or pernod with the fish or any alcoholic beverage consumed while standing up. So you see, I hardly drink at all.

(It’s time we finished off that bottle of malt whisky or it might go off.)

Nope. When it comes to alcohol, I’m a responsible person and moderation ish my middle name.

Drunks are people who fall over in gutters. Yes, I know I broke a heel on my best shoes when I stumbled off the pavement onto a grating but I’ve never ended up staring at the stars from a gutter. Well, apart from that night in ….. best not go down that road.

(Who’s a pretty pushy cat? I mean pussy cat.. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are…..)

Drunks can never remember the next morning what happened the night before. Look, I remember only too well being witty, sparkling and the life and soul of the party before I ended up getting locked in the loo – where, incidentally, all my friends left me for a good two hours. I don’t know how that chair got wedged against the door so I couldn’t get out. Freak accident, I guess.

(Liqueur, yesh please. There seem to be lots of bottles with just half an inch left. May as well chuck them all in together.)

Sooooooooooo, where was I? Drink. Yes. No. I don’t have a drinking problem …… I’ve got plenty. Ha, ha, ha.

(For goodness sake sit down, sweetheart, you’re making me feel dizzy spinning about like that in front of me. What do you mean, you ARE sitting down?)

Time to go. I suffer from mild vertigo and it’s back with a vengence, no I mean venjence, or is it venjince? Vengeance, that's it. Anyway, it's back. Where did I put my shoes?

(Yes, I know it’s bedtime. No, I don’t need any help. Oops. Who put that door there? What do you mean, I'm not funny. I AM funny. I'm hil-bloody-larious. I think I'll just lie down on the bed. No need to get undressed. Just order me a complete blood transfusion for the morning, please.)

PS: I’m sorry I haven’t written lately but my wonderful mother-in-law died recently and her last few weeks were a busy and harrowing time. The funeral (a lovely service with the church full to overflowing with friends and family) is now over and we are gradually getting back to normal so I will be round to visit everyone soon. We are now the proud adopted parents of her cat, Toffee, who is settling in well. Our own old moggie, despite being the centre of attention for 16 years, is beginning to accept her. In fact they are both, as I write, asleep in the spare bedroom, one on the windowsill and one on the bed.


  1. Sorry about your loss - and how wonderful that you loved your mother-in-law.

    Do you remember this song?

    Oh dear, what can the matter be?
    One lady got locked in the lavatory

  2. So sorry to hear about your MIL x

    I got a bit confused reading your post - I had to double check I wasn't still on my blog as I thought I recognised myself and wasn't sure I hadn't written it! ;)

  3. Glad Toffee is settling in, if you need a hand finishing the liquers give me a shout - well it's nearly christmas and you'll have to buy new ones then!!

    Love from Cooking nephew's other half!

  4. Aha, but of course for the middle classes a bottle of wine in the evening isn't 'getting drunk', it's 'relaxing'. Ahhhhhh.

  5. so sorry about your mother in law. that's very sad.

    your post, however, was quite amusing.

    glad to see you back. and i like your new header.

  6. My condolences with the loss of your mother in law.

    You do a drunk really well for someone who drinks as little as you. You must be a keen observer of people at parties. I did enjoy the whole thing very much, strictly from an anthropological point of view, of course. I love studying foreign cultures.

  7. Loving you middle names, Moderation and Ish :o)

    So sorry to hear about your MIL

  8. Apparently some wag wrote in to the Times and said that the new idiom was:

    Lets go out and get Middle classed.

    I suppose it beats wallpapered or sloshed....

  9. Great blog. I am just as restrained as you are, thankfully. Sorry to hear of your loss and glad the cats are settling down together. Thanks for your lovely comments on mine. We did this move out to the rural depths only a couple of years ago -it is fabulous, hard work but fabulous.

  10. Sorry about you Mother in Law - but pleased her cat is settling down well.

  11. Ah - but which cat has bagged the bed?!

  12. So sorry on the passing of you MIL, we have too many losses in life don't we?

    Not knowing your drinking habits - I was a bit worried for a second - glad to know I could laugh and not cry!

    I am SUCH a non-drinker! And it's for no other reason then - I forget it's an option! Guess there are no worries about it becoming a problem for me. :)

  13. Oh...so sorry to read about your mother-in-law.
    with love

  14. Thank you everyone for commiserations. Your comments are very much appreciated.

    GB: I remember that song very well - but it's not a problem you gorillas have to contend with being much more free and easy in your toiletry habits!

    Akelamalu: Red wine is good for you, I'm told. I believe it anyway!

    Anon (Supermum and Cooking Nephew's Better Half!): You, Cooking Nephew and the Little Cookers are all welcome in my house anytime, especially if Cooking Nephew comes bearing a cooked lobster like he did the other week!

    Jo: Ofcourse, all alcohol is medicinal. How could anyone believe otherwise?

    Laurie: Thanks for kind comments. I decided my blog needed a bit of a makeover, I'd had the same design for ages.

    Sweet Irene: All my drinking anecdotes are culled from the TV and other people's experiences. Naturally.

    Belle: My middle name is Moderation some days and Who Gives A Damn other days!

    Henry: I don't think you've visited before - I must get round to your blog and return the favour. I like that "get middle-classed" except I feel more working class. I suppose "getting working-classed" involves crack and joy-riding so I think I'll pass!

    ElizabethM: Some blogs strike a chord - and yours did!

    Lady Thinker: Carlsberg (spoilt rotten 16-year-old) took the bed and Toffee (11-month-old upstart) was banished to the windowsill!

    Bettejo: I'll let you into a secret - I don't actually drink that much. Living in the country we usually drive to pubs when we go out so best not to drink and drive.

    Suzan: Thank you ver much for your kind thoughts.

  15. How lovely that your MIL was so well loved. I think a packed funeral is the best farewell party in the world.

    And...sometimes that grey goose just calls....and I must, must answer the door.

  16. Hmm. Possibly not great, then, that as I read this, I have a glass of white in hand. And justifying it by saying "it was the end of the bottle" is probably no better...

  17. So sorry for your loss and all best wishes.

    But as akelamalu says, I did rather recognise myself in there... Did you hear that the 21 units a week or whatever it is was a figure plucked out of the air and has no scientific basis at all?

    And of course, once you've opened the bottle you've just got to finish it or it evaporates, doesn't it? Hic!

  18. So sorry about your MIL.

    Great post - pleased to see the drunken Middle Classes are keeping their ends up!

  19. glad to see you back, table but so sorry the last few weeks have been so fraught and sorry about MIL. Glad that Toffee is settling in well - give her a stroke from me. As for alcohol - apparently the government guidelines were 'a guess' at the time they were imposed. So I heard on the BBC on Sat - so it must be true!!

  20. Don't know if you came across diary of a country mole in the Sunday Times (about a failed move out). It drove me mad with its writer's arrogance and ignorance. I have had a go at what I have learnt about country living. You can tell I love it but would love to know what you think.

  21. Sorry to hear about your Mother-in-Law - and that you've had a difficult few weeks.


    That report about the middle classes now being most at risk from alcohol abuse certainly gave me pause for thought.
    We're endeavouring to have two AFDs* per week now but I fully intend to carry on my usual practice of getting quietly middle-classed of a Saturday night, although these days it doesn't seem to take as much to achieve that state as it once did.


  22. It's so nice to have you back. I was missing my weekly chortles, but you have made up for it at one fell swift, no swoon, no swoop... you know. And of course, condolences.

    Henry NL - getting Middle Classed - brilliant!

  23. I think it was Brendan Behan who said "never trust a man who doesn't drink" - if it wasn't it should have been.

    The Government guidelines were indeed a guess, one of the blokes responsible has come out and admitted as much.

    Makes you wonder what else they were guessing about. . . Iraq maybe?

  24. Ah, the lost toilet hours. Thanks for reminding me....
    A loving, lovable MIL is a real blessing in my life, so I send sympathy to you and your husband.
    And I can't help thinking that Toffee is a great name for a cat.

  25. So sorry to hear about your mother in law.

    Um...I was goin to rite somethingg else but I cantt remberer wat it wos noww. Hehehe.

  26. Well, thank goodness. I finally know what I am. Moderation-ish...brilliant.

    So sorry about your MIL.

    It's nice to have you back.

  27. I'm sorry for your loss.

    With the drinking, if you put lemon in it, or it is made from fruit, I'm of the firm belief that it counts as 1 of your 5 a day. And pity the person who trys to tell me I'm wrong...

  28. PS I've posted another Nursery Rhyme Quiz today if you fancy a go. :)

  29. Oh, dear what can the matter be?
    Three old ladies got locked in the lavatory
    They were there from Monday till Saturday
    Nobody knew they were there
    There were going to tea with the vicar
    They went in together; they thought it was quicker
    But they didn't know that the lock was a sticker
    So the vicar had tea all alone.
    Repeat ad nauseam

    Am not sure if this is the time to be posting this but felt that gorilla bananas was reaching out for the complete lyrics. Very sorry to hear about your ma-in-law. But suspect cat settling in well is very comforting.

  30. sorry about the death, but drink to her memory.

  31. My thoughts are with your family - and on a glass of shiraz. A toast to your Mother-in-law!

  32. Have you heard the latest attack on drinking - drinking even one glas can cause cancer (they don't say which cancer, where the results came from, what other lifestyle characteristics respondents had etc.)

    I give up! (not drinking of course, but listening to that kind of dramatised tabloid headline stuff!)

    Hope you are well and back to blogland soon!

  33. Sorry about your loss. Times like that with losses are usually a time to reflect on important issues of life!

    When you are done you can come and have a drink in Sweden!

  34. Great blog. Enjoy your sense of humor and the drinking post. For myself, I never drink unless I'm alone or with other people.

    We have the same template but you got yours first.

    Love the look of your kitchen.

    From the States.