We caught the old Batman Returns film last night with Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Of course I wasn't at all jealous of the svelte, beautiful, lithe, charismatic Ms Pfeiffer even though my dearly beloved sat there all evening with his tongue hanging out saying things like, "She can scratch my back any day."
Oh no, not jealous at all…
What compounded his felony was his comment, "You're more of a cat lady than Catwoman," followed by guffaws of laughter as if he had said something funny.
He had not.
He had not.
I wanted to argue but as I currently had a ginger cat draped around my neck purring loudly in my ear, I didn't feel it was quite the right time to utter a crushing rejoinder.
But his comment got me thinking about the differences between Catwoman and Cat Lady and came up with these:
- Catwoman looks stunning in leather outfits with sexy boots and towering stiletto heels. Cat Lady has trousers with pulled threads where the cat has scratched her leg to try to get her attention. Every item she owns has a liberal covering of cat hair.
- Catwoman wears expensive perfume that floats around her in a gentle sensual aroma. Cat Lady smells of stale tuna and Febreze.
- Catwoman behaves like an animal in the bedroom. Cat Lady says, "Don't move around too much or you'll disturb Mittens."
- Catwoman purrs her words in a seductive growl. Cat Lady is either shouting, "Get down from there, you'll break the vase Aunt Winnie gave us," screaming, "Get that mouse out of my house!" or yelling, "EW! I've just stepped in a pile of vomit."
- Catwoman's house is state-of-the-art with every gadget imaginable. Cat Lady's house has scratched furniture, cat toys strewn around the floor, the occasional pile of cat vomit (see above) and dismembered remains of tiny animals under the sofa.
The Cat Lady picture, by the way, is Robert De Niro in a Saturday Night Live sketch. It is not me. I repeat, IT IS NOT ME.
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If you are a cat lover - especially a lover of the grumpier members of the species, this is the book for you. Written by Toffee who, despite her name, is the least sweet cat you can imagine. The world according to Toffee exists to serve her and woe betide anyone who forgets it. Paperback on left, Kindle version on right.
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