Rain, Rain Go Away

I AM normally of a sunny disposition but at the risk of turning into a grumpy old woman, I'm pissed off with it pissing down. Is it ever going to stop raining here in Britain?

I know our sceptred isle has the reputation of being a little damp at the best of times - it's what keeps us green and pleasant - but this is beyond a joke. It's been tipping it down every day. During the brief moments that the sun shines we rush outside shouting to the children: "Don't look! You'll go blind!"

I must mention last Saturday, however, when the Weather Gods smiled on my little bit of England and a huge family barbecue with a whole pig (I'm not joking; I do come from a rather large family) stayed dry. It was a brilliant day, thanks to Cooking Nephew who worked his customary magic on the pork and Host Sister who is always remarkably laid back about hordes of people invading her house and garden.

The dearly beloved performed his usual task and supplied lots of beer. Lots and lots of beer. Lots. He has a horror of being at a party and the beer running out. He recognises that normal people take a bottle of wine to friends not three barrels of bitter - all right, I'm exaggerating. Two barrels - so he doesn't take it all indoors in one go. He keeps some back in the car so if it we're down to the last few hundred cans, he can magically produce some more.

Back to the weather. I thought we were supposed to be globally warmed by now, not globally soaked to the skin. According to all the predictions, I should be plucking grapes from my garden not harvesting rice.

Maybe that's what global warming has done. Flipped the seasons. Perhaps we'll be throwing another prawn on the barbie and drinking a tinny on Christmas day while our antipodean friends are keeping warm around a hot turkey and falling out over the last cracker.

By August it will be snowing and all you who have booked a seaside holiday will find yourself on a skiing trip. That's fine because come February there'll be pictures in the tabloids of people squashed like sardines on Blackpool beach.

One good thing that the rain has done is stopped all you gardeners on a beautiful sunny day saying annoyingly: "It's all very well but my zinnias could do with a good soaking."

However, gardeners take note. Get your Webb's Wonders in by the end of September and prick out those seedlings by Michaelmas. It'll still be raining, of course, because you will be getting your April showers in October.

So if you want to be ahead of the game, plan your life around spring starting in September, summer in December, autumn in March and winter in June. (People who live in other parts of the world, adjust accordingly.)

Don't forget. You read it here first.


  1. The rain in England is like a doddery old baboon pissing from the trees. Be thankful you don't live in a monsoon climate. Does beer make good shampoo or have I confused it with something else?

  2. sounds good sense to me. And yes, my partner is just like yours when it comes to providing food or drink - mountains of it 'just in case' - he also has a horror of running out.

  3. This constant rain is awful I agree, and my 4 year old has just broken up for her 'summer' holidays!We need the beer and barbecue days back again. I keep hearing the rain is good for the garden but not if we can't get out there. I'd rather have some sun and scorched grass! I quite like the idea of summer in December though.

  4. i'm in montreal for weekend. glorious here. but the global news was just on TV and showed the weather in manchester--as much rain in one hour as you normally get in a month. yowser!

    and the gorilla is right--beer is supposed to be a good rinse for hair. cuts the soap and leaves the hair shiney. and has the added attraction of having winos follow you all day.

  5. Remember 20 years ago it was all about the Ice-age that was coming? I wish they would make up their minds with the panic mongering.

  6. "It was a brilliant day, thanks to cooking nephew..."

    I actually had to read that bit twice!

  7. Wasn't it only a year ago that the UK was experiencing drought?

    To think that there is anything the human race can do to hold back the advance of nature is arrogance in the extreme; I think, perhaps, global warming is one big political spin...

    UK Christmas in the sun though - that's appealing.

    Great blog, AMKT!

  8. Having just come back from Egypt (HOT, HOT, HOT) I feel for you! I'm hoping for a long hot August, what's the chance???

    Loved your previous post "The Village Idiots". :)

  9. I never thought i would see Brits being plucked off the rooftops by helicopter.
    Best picture i have seen so far is the guy who is walking through the flood waters upto his chest and holding his cigarettes and lighter above his head. Not a concern for wading through dirty and unhealthy water, he just wanted to keep his fags dry.

  10. Really, it could be worse. We are supposed to get rain here in Southern California tomorrow, and the temperature is supposed to be 99. Yes, that's with the rain.

    If you would ever like to trade your rural life for my second-class ghetto, feel free to let me know.

  11. I've been wondering about changing from rearing sheep to producing rice....Does your DB have one of those magic pots that keeps producing beer and never runs dry? Beer is ok but I'd choose something more savoury like a constant supply of cheese on toast or great steak.

  12. You've got an award, AMKT - see my blog!

  13. I suppose you should be grateful you do not live in Upton;) Also I would welcome a bit of rain here in Baltimore, it has not rained for weeks and the grass it yellow.

  14. So sick of the rain. Too depressed to write anymore.

  15. Okay, I'm supposed to be working and I've spent the last half hour laughing at your delightful wit. I can actually hear your accent in my head. What the hell is ciabatta anyway?

  16. teehee. My boyfriend said to me today after we'd been watching the 24 hour coverage of the floods on Sky, 'how long until they blame this on climate change?'

    'Oh, we got it wrong...the climate change will NOT lead to global warming...oops, silly us, it will infact make it cold and rainy all summer. Lights off, people!'

  17. GB: "A doddery old baboon pissing from the trees" - brilliant image! Beer makes very good shampoo but not if it goes straight down your gob without passing go.

    Flowerpot: I still have cans of beer in the boot of my car after the barbecue on Saturday - really must take them out! Thanks for the award - that's brilliant! Will be round to your blog to collect later!

    Ingenious Rose: At least the rain is fairly warm so not too bad when four-year-olds want to splash in puddles.

    Laurie: Winos? And I just thought they were nice men attracted by my beauty! Wondered why they all had whisky bottles wrapped in paper bags.

    Mr K: You're right. If we listened to all the dire warnings we'd never eat anything, drink anything or step outside the door.

    Miss Understood: He does get a little warm sometimes but we have so far refrained from cooking him!

    Debio: You could well be right about political spin. The trouble is, only one opinion is being heard at the moment. Anyone who believes global warming is caused by nature is shouted down.

    Akelamalu: Welcome home - hope you've brought some sunshine with you! Sounds like Egypt could spare us poor damp Brits a bit of nice weather.

    LucyP: Well, you have to get your priorities right!

    Fat Sparrow: I'm a real weather moaner - don't like it too hot and don't like it too cold so living in rural Britain is usually pretty good!

    Mopsa: Cheese and steak - sounds good to me! I'd rather run out of beer than run out of food. I'd take sheep over rice any day. I love sheep and have happy memories of warming up orphan lambs in the bottom warming oven of the Aga! Then having to feed them before and after school.

    Emma K: Pity we can't pipe our excess rain right across the Big Pond to America - you'd be welcome to it!

    Painted Ass: This too will pass!

    Nutmeg: Thanks very much for nice comments. Ciabatta? It's bread, not that it reaches my cupboard very often - the dearly beloved only likes white sliced! He's such a peasant!

    Jo: We've definitely been misled. I was planning to grow grapes and mandarins in the garden! Another plan goes belly up.

  18. I wonder if they will have to re-jig the school year to accommodate the sun? that would be weird...we should have had the summer hols at Easter this year. but then it could change every year, just like Easter does, and it would keep us all on our toes!

    BBQ sounds lovely, glad the rain held off.

    I think summer has been cancelled. You heard it from me first.

  19. Monsoon rain I can handle gorilla bananas - at least it's warm. I got soaked the other day and felt truly irritated by the rain. Like you kitchen table, I'm sunny - and I love the sun. Yesterday I soaked it all up in that brief interlude we had.

    Just to let you know though - I've tagged you.