You know me, I'm not one to say, "I told you so," but I told you so. In a previous post I mentioned that the dearly beloved had discovered the delights of eBay. I haven't yet had a parade of delivery men asking where they can put the 10,000 left-handed widget screws but we have had an 'incident'. 

The DB made a successful bid on an edgebander (no, I don't know what it is either. All you need to know is that he is a cabinetmaker obsessed by machinery like spindle moulders, routers and bandsaws). The only trouble was that this edgebander had to be picked up from Leeds, a journey of some 300 miles and an estimated journey of 5 hours from our Devon home. 

He intended to stay the night, not fancying driving for 10 hours in one day. Off he set on a Friday lunchtime, heading north in his thermal vest and fur knickers with his three-week supply of seal meat, saying, "I might be gone some time." 

On my way home from work I happened to hear the traffic announcer on Radio2 mention that this Friday - it was the autumn half-term - was the busiest day of the year and the roads were full of cars on their way to RipOff Theme Park, packed to the roof-rack with bad-tempered drivers and annoying children asking, "Are we there yet?" every two minutes and demanding a wee when the car is stuck in a traffic jam on the M5 . Oh dear. 

The DB phoned at 6pm saying the traffic was horrendous and he was nowhere near his destination. I made suitably sympathetic noises while I sat with my feet up, drinking a cup of tea. He phoned again at about 9.30pm saying he was in Barnsley, about 30 miles from Leeds and intended to check into a hotel and finish the journey in the morning. 

Of course, this being us, we hadn't actually booked any hotels in advance, or even bothered to find out where any were. So there I was, frantically looking up Barnsley hotels on the internet, trying to find one not too far off the motorway. I found a nice and cheap Travelodge on the Doncaster Road. He phoned an hour later and said he couldn't find the Travelodge but had booked into twin-bedded room in a posh hotel where the Leyton Orient football team were staying. 

He made a final phone call at 11pm to say goodnight. So that was that, I thought. However...when he came home, he told me what had happened next. On his way up north, he had stopped in a motorway service station to buy some orange juice. While waiting to pay, he spotted some Maltesers near the check-out. He hadn't had Maltesers for years and decided to buy a packet. 

After saying goodnight to me on the phone, he opened the packet to eat a few while watching TV. He then nodded off. When he awoke an hour later, a few of the Maltesers had rolled out of the packet and settled between his legs, where they had melted. 

"You'd never believe," he told me in horror, "how much chocolate there is on a Malteser!" Not wanting the hotel staff to think he was some kind of weirdo with a bowel problem, he decided to wash the sheet. With the help of some shampoo, he managed to get the sheet reasonably clean, but now it was wet. 

Still, he thought, it was probably better that the staff thought he had wet the bed rather than... well, you know. He hung the sheet on the heated towel rail and went to sleep in the other bed. Luckily, come morning the sheet was dry and he managed to remake the bed (I don't know how, he never manages it at home).

The staff may have wondered why he thought it necessary to use two beds in one night but, hopefully, they didn't have to recoil in horror at the sight of a big brown lumpy splodge in the middle of the formerly pristine white sheet. They don't know how lucky they were. 

While we're on bodily functions, I must tell you about my friend's grand-daughter. She stayed with Grandma over half-term and was delighted that she had a new bed. She started off in the new bed most nights but usually ended up sleeping with Grandma. 

One morning she came down, looking upset. "I think I might have wet the bed a little bit," she said but then added brightly, "But don't worry, Grandma, it wasn't in my new bed, it was in yours!"

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  1. AMKT, this has made my day. I've had a rotten weekend looking after two rather poorly young boys so this has really cheered me up! Thank you for this and I hope your husband and his ebay purchase had an uneventful journey home.
    Chellebab x

  2. This has to be the best post I've read in ages! I laughed tears; thank you!

  3. I went to an interview once with a big chocolate stain on my bum.

    Thanks for the giggle:)

  4. oh, lord, i don't know who pauline is but thank god for her because she made you write this down and i am sitting here in my pajamas with tears of laughter streaming down my face.

  5. I havent laughed so much in ages.. Poor hubby, and having to stay in/near Barnsley too!! they're right "eee bay gum" people there but lovely hehe.

    I had a similar happening a few years ago with a.... Oh i'll blog about it instead of telling you here hehehe..

    Did the hubby get his cabinet makers diddly wotsit though?? xx

    As for that "Poo at Pauls" it still annoys me but your version made me chuckle xx

  6. OMG that made me laugh so much!

  7. I was very worried about the stained sheet and thought it wasn't going to turn out well at all. Thank goodness it did.

    So, did he and the edgebander make it home alright? Did you make him a nice cup of tea? No more Maltesers, I guess!

  8. Alas, before too long every available surface and space will be filled by ... widgets and, er, stuff. Poor you.
    But Himself needed a pair of yaks as well as furs, seal meat, etc. for his brave trek upcountry - either that or a brace of Exmoor ponies (the original off-road, 4-wheel drive). Ranulph Fiennes might have come in handy, also.
    Thanks for visiting mine.

  9. Hallo AMKT
    thanks for visiting and leaving such a kind comment on my blog.
    this post is great; did DB actually ring you up and tell you his sorry tale during the night, while it was all going on?
    Looking forward to reading more of yours, do visit again too.

  10. Nice blog post great stuff Thank you for sharing

  11. What a great story Table! Just imagine his panic when he woke up and thought - agh!!!

  12. ha ha ha! Perfect husband antics, but eeew, just realised he was eating maltesers NAKED??!
    great post,

  13. My daughter used to only want to sleep in my bed when she was sick. Once, she threw up in my bed and said, "Wow. I am so glad that I didn't do that in MY bed.."


  14. Thank you for share a amazing information i like this ...