I've bought a skin cream that claims to fight the “seven signs of ageing”.
Oh good. Where do I rub it to stop me from having to get up in the middle of the night to pee?
I've also been looking for something to get rid of my tendency to say embarrassing things out loud when I intended to keep them in my head.
And I hope this cream can stop me from beginning every sentence in an annoyed tone with "in my day…" The younger members of my family will be delighted.
Will it stop me from frequently feeling as unaccountably evil as Lady Macbeth going through the menopause?
And prevent me from going up to nubile young things at parties and saying, "Those shoes are going to ruin your feet," like some judgmental geriatric.
Will it stop me from looking at men in uniform and instead of thinking, "Phwoar," wondering if they've bunked off school for the day?
Hopefully it will stop me from swearing at predictive text. Why, stupid phone and tablet, change a perfectly sensible sentence with every word spelled right into some incoherent gobbledegook? Why? Why?
Yes, I have high hopes for this cream. I'm anticipating it will not only make me look 30 again but will also make me act 30.
Not much to ask, is it?
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