Broadband Problems

IT seems ironic that after my last posting, called "procrastination" , I then take two weeks to write again. I have mitigating circumstances. My ISP phoned to say I could have a free broadband upgrade. Great. An email arrived inviting me to "click here" to activate. I "click here" to activate. 

Then the next time I try to connect to the internet. Nothing. I can, if I so desire, phone a helpline but as I notice it costs 50p a minute - 50-BLOODY-PEE A BLOODY MINUTE - for something I'm 99 per cent sure is their fault, I decide against the option, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea, it subsequently costing me a complete head of torn-out hair, sky-high blood pressure, teeth gnashed to the gums and acute apoplexy. 

I dig out the trailing wires that connect my computer to the phone line - these wires being the reason I went wireless in the first place - and try to connect again. I can't. I revert to an old paid-for account with an 0845 number. These costs are so high that I get a call from BT the next day to ask whether I knew someone had been dialling premium numbers from my phone.

 I expect I've been put on some BT "sad old gits" list, the one that lists all those men in stained polo shirts who think they have been phoning scantily clad young women to talk suggestively to them. In reality, "Tiffany" (42-24-36) in red basque and suspenders is "Mavis" (48-36-52) in sensible cardie and slippers trying to make a few bob. Anyway, success, my 0845 number allows me to connect to the internet. So nothing wrong with my phone or my computer, then, but something wrong with the broadband connection. I explain all this in a detailed email to my ISP. They take a day to reply.I write again. They take a day to reply. 

This goes on over several days with me getting increasingly irate. Eventually, they mention my password which I notice is one number different from my previous one - good of them to mention it before….. (that sound is my teeth rubbing together and steam coming out of my ears). Then it's into the router settings to change the password. Nothing. I'm not a computer geek - I don't play Dungeons and Dragons at Level 42 in my spare time or have riveting conversations in chat rooms about pings and servers and flobjobgibbets. I have no idea what the settings are supposed to be. 

To cut a long story short (I can hear the sighs of relief from those of you who have read this far), I get a list of all the settings from my ISP, type them in (the DNS address had reverted to for some reason) and last night that red "no connection" sign that has been taunting me for days turns to a beautiful, wonderful, glorious, splendiferous shade of green with the word "connected". 

I'M BACK. Did you miss me? Did you send out a search party? Were you worried? Was your week strangely bereft without a "letter" from me? No? That's odd because without immediate access to the internet I have felt like Laurel without Hardy, Richard without Judy, Napoleon without Josephine, Gordon without Tony ……. I'm going to put on my wig, put in my false teeth, lie down and let my blood pressure return to normal now. I will reply to all your comments on my last posting later today.


  1. Oh God. How horrendous. I feel your pain.
    The same thing happened to me last year and we were off line for a fortnight.
    Glad you're back :)

  2. Yes, I missed you. Bored housewives are very sexy to a gorilla.

  3. Hi there - dropped by to explore your blog. Started with the age one on your recommendation. I then read laughed a great deal over shopping/stockpiling for Easter weekend. I'm just the same. Store cupboards crammed full of eats but I'm always popping out as there 'is nothing to eat' i.e. nothing I 'fancy' in stock. Besides - my store cupboard is really there in case we have an emergency such as an epidemic of bird flu -in which case I wont want to mix with contaminated people; or a terroist attack which may stop the supermarkets from re-stocking their shelves for a few days.

  4. Well, here was I thinking you'd elevated procrastination to an art form and entered it for the Turner Prize, and all the time it was some idiot at your ISP.
    Glad you're back - I shall go and pour myself a G&T to celebrate.

  5. I missed you! But my explanation for your disappearance was a huge marital tiff whereby you had stormed out and were bunking with friends...

    well, i didn't get that far, but i DID wonder where you'd gone!

    glad you've got it all sorted,

  6. You have my deepest sympathies. Life would be so much easier if we could just go back to communicating via carrier pigeon.