Rules For Online Dating

I HAVE never joined an online dating site but if The Man ever threatens to sell me for three camels, a box of couscous and a tagine, I might consider it.

I would be wary, though, not wanting to end up with a man whose idea of fun is watching back-to-back episodes of How It's Made (oh no, that IS The Man).

I have friends (male and female) who have negotiated the hazards of online dating so I have used their experience to draw up a few rules for you to avoid the escaped convicts, the sexual deviants and the terminally dull.

Beware of  how they describe themselves:
  • Attractive – frightens the horses.
  • Cuddly – fat.
  • Bubbly – fat and annoying.
  • Searching for a soulmate – stalker.
  • Open-minded – kinky.
  • Animal lover – house smells of dog wee.
  • Good sense of humour – enjoys endless reruns of Only Fools and Horses.
  • Successful businessman - drives a burger van at weekends.
  • Vivacious – you’ll be sorry if you upset her.
  • Fiesty – upset her and she’ll come at you with a meat cleaver.
Then there’s that photograph. If it’s black and white, it was probably taken when men were making fire by rubbing two sticks together. These days he or she spends their time sipping weak camomile tea and watching Bargain Hunt on TV.

Generally speaking, try to imagine someone about 10 years older, a stone heavier and three degrees uglier than the picture provided – because they will have sent in an old, flattering photograph.
If the photograph is of a man wearing a hat, he’s bald. If he’s standing beside his motorbike, he’s having a mid-life crisis.

If it’s a woman cuddling a cat (this would be me!) then she’s borderline sociopathic.

Beware, too, of phrases like “I’m a man’s man”. This means that once he’s got you hooked he’ll expect his dinner on the table every night on the dot of 7pm and you’ll spend your nights alone while he’s in the pub with his mates burping the national anthem.

Just as bad is the woman who says she’s “a girly girl”. This is shorthand for as shallow as a saucer of milk. She judges everyone on how they look and knows every beauty-enhancing procedure down to the last staple...but has no idea who Theresa May or Donald Trump are.

Finally, if they ever use the word “discretion”, they’re married.

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  1. Online dating is something I would NEVER do. Come to think of it, regular dating is out too. I'm happy on my own, all the spare men out there can wash their own smelly socks.

  2. You should go on a dating site just to get material for blog posts. I'll crack open a coconut when you get your first willy pic!

  3. I have a plucky but naive friend who tried this, and learned very quickly most of the above! Also that if she used the word "Sparkles" as her online surname, she was going to meet men looking for.... well..... not a serious relationship.

    To be fair to the men, though, she did use a 12-year old photograph of when she was a stone and a half lighter, very blonde, taken at a distance in a party frock. The disappointments were largely mutual!

  4. Brilliant! Fortunately, I got my husband to start binge watching "Food: Fact or Fiction" instead of "How It's Made". ~grin~ I'm going to send him this. Thank you for the laugh.

    1. I also have to sit through endless episodes of Aircraft Investigations. I'm never going on an aeroplane again!

  5. Nothing like meeting someone in the real world.