Valentine's Day Commandments

[This is a republished post from some years ago now. Sadly, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. 😂😂😂]

THIS evening my friends and I talked about Valentine's Day and how unromantic most of our "better" halves were. So here are my 10 commandments for my very own dearly beloved.

1. Thou shalt worship no other woman except me, even if she is 18 with the body of an athlete and her father owns a brewery.

2. Thou shalt not take my name in vain and will lie through your teeth in the pub to give the impression I am a softly-spoken goddess with the milk of human kindness running through my veins.

3. Thou shalt remember it's Valentine's Day and keep it holy with a multitude of sacrifices including chocolates, flowers, champagne and expensive jewellery.

4. Thou shalt honour my family and ignore the fact that half of them are barking mad.

5. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and take me out to Sunday lunch so that I do not have to have to do unspeakable things to you with a roast parsnip.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life talking in a high voice and wearing women's clothes.

7. Thou shalt not murder multitude pints of beer on a Saturday night and then come home and try to convince me you are sex on legs.

8. Thou shalt not steal my chocolate unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life without hands.

9.Thou shalt not covet our neighbour's ass, even if it is half the size of mine and perched on top of endless legs

10. Thou shalt realise that even if I change my mind from one second to the next, I am always right and you are always wrong.

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  1. Wonderful! and dont forget " thou shalt not forget to put the toilet seat down".

  2. Well, I read yr blog the day after Valentine's Day. This is what my "dearly beloved" thought ws a suitable Valentine gift - a pack of tea towels!! I'm going to kill him!! Mustn't really grumble as he's a lovely man, just not very romantic!!

  3. Tea towel? ARent you the lucky one! I had a bunch of limp carnations that looked as if they had been to Moscow and back on a freighter.

  4. Do you have these posted in your house?

  5. I can relate to #7, my ex-the-first tried that so many times.

  6. That was funny- especially #9 :)

  7. Pope Francis didn’t say that God had told him to revise the Ten Commandments as claimed in a widely shared story.מדביר עכברים